Key points
- At first, a people-pleaser can appear helpful and capable. But major people-pleasers may actually be overcommitted and not able to deliver.
- A major people-pleaser may dodge your concerns, fabricate, and even gaslight you, Some people-pleasers may end up backstabbing you.
- Not all people-pleasers are the same. It is important to determine the extent of the people-pleasing and how much of a problem it may be.
- The key is to establish clear healthy boundaries and make sure that they are not crossed.
At first glance, people-pleasers may seem like good folks to have around. After all, you are presumably a person and would presumably like to be pleased. The moniker “people-pleaser” certainly sounds more positive than “people-irritator” or “people-anger-er.”
However, there are many situations where people-pleasers can be the very opposite of pleasing, which may not be what people-pleasers necessarily want to hear. That’s because the Merriam-Webster dictionary defines a people-pleaser as “a person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires.” However, for some people-pleasers, add to this definition “and potentially at the expense of his or her friends’, close collaborators’, and partners’ needs or desires,” and you can see how you could end up on the wrong side of a big-time people-pleaser’s efforts.
At first, a people-pleaser can appear friendly, charming, helpful, and capable
Initially, it can be tempting to establish a closer professional or personal relationship with just any people-pleaser. A people-pleaser may be quick to offer help and compliments such as telling you how great you are. And all of this may seem quite genuine because you are indeed great, right? How can you not like someone who provides compliments and assistance? Heck, throw in a few blocks of cheese, an opera cake or two, and some sushi, and what more could you want?
But then you realize that some people-pleasers may actually be overcommitted and not able to do what they promise
Ah, but the closer you get to some people-pleasers, the more you may begin noticing cracks in the candy coating. Depending on his or her drive to please, the people-pleaser can be rather indiscriminate in dispensing the pleasing, trying to help everyone, including those who may make both of your lives more difficult.
For example, if you are collaborating with a major people-pleaser on a project, he or she may end up spending more time helping others than actually working on the project. Or if you are in a personal relationship with a big-time people-pleaser, he or she may not dedicate nearly enough time and effort to your relationship, because, again, his or her focus is trying to please everyone else. This can be especially problematic when the heavy-duty people-pleaser must inevitably choose between you and others in a conflict. (Take a wild guess as to which direction a colossal people-pleaser may lean.) In fact, if you are close enough to a particularly obsessive people-pleaser, you can get sucked into his or her toilet-bowl-like vortex of people-pleasing.
A major people-pleaser may dodge your concerns, fabricate, and even gaslight you
Confront a major-league people-pleaser about such frustrating behaviors and you may get what’s essentially the Bryan Adams, “Everything I Do, I Do It for You,” argument. The people-pleaser may claim that all of his or her people-pleasing efforts are simply to help you. Such logic can seem as twisted as fetuccine in a ceiling fan since the super-duper people-pleaser’s actions may actually be making your life much more difficult. Ultimately, this whole Bryan Adams argument can be nothing more than a bunch of hot air, an attempt to pin you as the motivation rather than the real motivation, the All-Star people-pleaser’s compulsion to please others.
Speaking of hot air, constant people-pleasing can be like feeding beans to someone who is already quite bloated. Unless the people-pleaser is like Siri, an automaton with unlimited time and energy, trying to please everyone can create increasing pressure inside the ginormous people-pleaser. This pressure can lead to the people-pleaser developing various stress-induced health problems, ranging from weird rashes to sleep problems to anxiety and depression to even nervous breakdowns. Yet, when you recommend to the people-pleaser better prioritizing his or her time and effort, a less self-aware people-pleaser may respond with excuses, sidestepping, and repeats of the Bryan Adams argument. In fact, a super-duper people-pleaser may even get a bit feisty with you. That’s because standing between must-need-gotta-have-it people-pleaser and the need to please can in some cases be like standing between the Cookie Monster and a bunch of cookies.
Some people-pleasers may end up criticizing you behind your back or even backstabbing you
As with any expanding ball of gas, there has to be, umm, a release here and there, lest they pop. Thus, the gas-filled people-pleaser may end up figuratively farting out criticism of people behind their backs, including people whom the people-pleaser has been trying to please. And like farts, these criticisms can be surprisingly stinky. Just as the people-pleaser can be indiscriminate in pleasing others, he or she can be indiscriminate in blurting out criticism. Don’t be surprised if you end up falling in the ultra-people-pleaser’s line of fire when you are not around, even when you’re one of the people-pleaser’s few genuine friends or advocates.
Again, like a self-conscious farter who saves his or her best work for friends and family, a less self-aware people-pleaser may view you as a punching bag because you are more familiar, letting loose with indiscriminate criticism of you simply because he or she feels more comfortable around you, That may be because the people-pleaser feels more constrained and fearful around others and, thus, less willing to release frustrations around them. For example, one of my friends who was married to a major people-pleaser once complained that her spouse was known as a nice guy at work, always doing everything to help everyone. Yet, in the process, he had little time for her. In fact, he often took out a lot of his people-pleasing-induced aggravations on her.
Like any compulsion, the need to people-please, if strong enough, can lead the pleaser into some tangled situations. In order to avoid confrontation or conflict, a people-pleaser may end up massaging the truth and even flat-out lying, Remember that Shakespearan saying that’s actually not from William Shakespeare but rather from Sir Walter Scott, “Oh what a tangled web we weave/When first we practice to deceive”? Well, trying to keep everyone happy all the time can result in quite a tangled web indeed.
It is important to determine the extent of the people-pleasing and how much of a problem the people-pleaser may be
Of course, not all people-pleasers are the same. They can vary in how frequently and strongly they feel people-pleasing urges as well as in how aware they are of their urges and behaviors and how effectively they can self-regulate. So the question is where on the spectrum your people-pleaser may fall.
The best way to find out is to be frank, meaning straightforward and not a hot dog. Directly tell the potential people”pleaser your concerns in a clear yet non-threatening manner. You can say something like, “I feel like a crushed tomato when you spend all your time helping those 10,578 people [be specific] and in turn don’t seem to have enough time to work on our first shopping cart on Mars project together.” If the person admits to their behavior and takes concrete steps to change, then you’ve got a readily fixable situation. If, on the hand, the person vehemently denies such behavior and instead begins to attack and gaslight you, then you’ve got a big problem on your hands.,
The key is to establish clear healthy boundaries and make sure that they are not crossed.
In all cases, it will be important to establish clear, healthy boundaries. Clearly delineate what’s acceptable versus not acceptable behavior and the consequences for crossing the boundaries. If the two of you are working together, try to make the workflow, objectives, milestones, and deliverables as transparent as possible so there is frank clarity when someone isn’t cutting the mustard. If you are in a personal relationship with the person, clearly delineate your needs and expectations and when they are and aren’t being met.
If you find established boundaries repeatedly being crossed or milestones/expectations being missed, you may want to cut ties with the big league people-pleaser or at least minimize contact. When you try to withdraw, you may find the major people-pleaser trying to lure you back in with some trinkets and baubles. Remember, though, trinkets and baubles aren’t the same as completing the work or doing what’s needed for a relationship unless, of course, you are in the trinket and bauble-making business or you really, really, really like baubles.
Ultimately, people-pleasing is like any behavior. When done in moderation, it can be a good thing. You don’t necessarily want to be with someone who says, “I have no interest in pleasing anyone at any time.” But anything (with the possible exception of baking chocolate chip cookies) done in excess and in a way that negatively affects your work and your well-being can be bad, And certainly not pleasing in any way.
